A series of anecdotes with or without any connection to the running of a restaurant.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Les Whiskers du Chat!

Ladies and gentlemen, presenting Henry the knife throwing cat perform an amazing array of tricks...just after he's finished licking the knife clean of smoked salmon...

Henry loves fish!
Bloody spoilt!

He could be in the garden, garage or just lying asleep somewhere.
Even if I cough loudly to hide the sound of a tin of John West being opened or the vac-pac of smoked salmon being torn, I know that the very next minute, Henry will be there panting like a young lad at a lap dancing club (boom boom)

Thursday night, the little s--t (Chat) jumped on the kitchen worktop as soon as he saw me go to open a bottle of wine. I had laid a whole pack of smoked salmon (£1.49 for 100g from Asda) on a plate.

Anyway, I only got the bloody thing because I didn't want the lasses at the till to think that I was a wino. I'd bought two bottles of Chilean Carmenere (Love it!) and the smoked salmon acted as a decoy. "Ah, he's having a social evening!"
If I had bought a wedge of Brie instead they would've thought: "All he needs now is a French stick and some cardboard and he'll surely be spending the night under a bridge!"

You see you have to be cunning with them bloody Asda girls!

Getting back to Henry, as soon as I had my back turned, looking for my Spanish corkscrew, you know, the one with two levers, Amazing! They're good for skinny barmaids or men with limp wrists or Hmmm...just tough guys who want to show off!

As soon as I turned my back, the bugger was on the bench! How the hell did he do it?
How high is a bench? Two foot? Two and a half foot? At his age, (80 in human years) he shouldn't have been able to hop let alone jump that high!

I turned round just as he was flying through the air towards my supper!

One hand on the wine, the other holding the corkscrew, I dived head first and grabbed the plate between my teeth! Actually I shouted so loud he froze in mid-air for a second and then landed on his feet! How do they do it? Every time I fall, I end up on my arse!

The little chat! I thought.

He followed me to the sitting room and watched me wolf the whole thing down leaving nothing but a fishy knife! Actually I made sure I ate very slowly, you should've seen the saliva dripping down his whiskers!
Chat-nese torture!

When I finished I placed the empty plate on the floor. Henry looked everywhere for a scrap of salmon!

Could he hell find any! So the bugger started licking the knife!

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Blogger cave renovator said...

Had a serious chuckle at this one Cream, keep em coming!


22/4/06 1:26 PM  
Blogger Chill Daddy said...

Usually my favorite thing about cats is their air of dignity and self-respect. When it comes to food, though, dignity takes a back seat.

(Or a loud scary sound)

22/4/06 2:10 PM  
Blogger juliana said...

Make sure he didn't hurt his little tongue on the knife.

22/4/06 6:18 PM  
Blogger wendy said...

All that word-play with 'chat'...brilliant...mmmm...smoked salmon...yummy

22/4/06 7:51 PM  
Blogger cream said...

CR, don't you start encouraging me, marra!

CD, thanks for doing the tag! Really good!

Ju! Henry's tongue is sharper than the knife! You should hear him cry for his food!

Wendy, I was going to suggest a little 'chat' but I think you are allergic to them, aren't you?...;)

22/4/06 8:13 PM  
Blogger wendy said...

Umm....not with you...allergic?

22/4/06 8:39 PM  
Blogger Le Chat said...

Poor Henry. Shearer always has sardines on a Saturday. Proper ones, not from a tin. She won't eat them from her bowl, she hoists them out and swings them around the floor, leaving greasy little trails. My other half is a vegetarian and finds it a big off-putting finding bodyless fishheads on the floor.

Our love is doomed though, Wendy if you are allergic to cats.

22/4/06 9:11 PM  
Blogger wendy said...

Oh oh oh Le Chat...I'm not really allergic...but some of those fluffy ones sometimes make me sneeze...damn...I'll have to do something about that...anti-histamines, perhaps...we can't let a little something like that stand in our way...;-)

22/4/06 9:16 PM  
Blogger cream said...

Le Chat! Right on time to read the Chat post! You'll have to write something Shearer and her sardines!
Shearer! Are Toon supporters?

Wendy, I really thought you were fast! Chat as in chitchat, man!
"All that word-play with 'chat'...brilliant"...

I'm doing this in between restaurants... A little sip of something at every stop!)

22/4/06 9:49 PM  
Blogger Guyana-Gyal said...

HAHAHA, you sure were your funniest today, Cream, ya made me laff.

Ohhh, ohhh, but couldn't you give the greedy little shat one tiny piece?

Maybe when you cough he knows its tin opening time. hahaha

22/4/06 10:17 PM  
Blogger wendy said...

Yeah I actually thought that may be it..but I'm SO not allergic to chitchat..which is why me didn't unnerstand, Sir Cream...*grinnng like a Cheshire*...anyway - don't work your botty too hard.....for crying out loud - it's Saturday.

22/4/06 11:15 PM  
Blogger wendy said...

oh oh oh - the penny has finally dropped..oh you!

23/4/06 12:09 AM  
Blogger cream said...

Gigi, I have a feeling Henry has cracked the code!
I am glad you had a good laugh at my cat-alogue!

Wendz, ma petite amie, I could say the same thing about your Saturday ...for crying out loud - but I think you've got the kids.

So, what did the dropped penny tell you then?

23/4/06 1:09 AM  
Blogger Cherrypie said...

I had invited some friends over for lunch on Easter Sunday. I'd taken a large shoulder of lamb out of the freezer the night before and couldn't find it anywhere when I came down next morning. Then I spotted it, under the kitchen table, the plastic bag around it all ripped and torn. Darius, my chat, had been flipping nibbling one end.

It was Easter Sunday. All the shops were shut and I was expecting 5 guests, 2 of whom had been playing rugby all morning.

I didn't panic. I did the only sensible thing. Took a knife to it and then whipped it under the tap.

5 hours later it was casseroled to perfection and no-one suspected a thing. Phew!

I'm sorry for taking up so much of your comments page but you will understand why I really couldn't confess to this on my own blog. My friends might read it and then I'd never be able to host a dinner party again xx

23/4/06 1:36 AM  
Blogger cream said...

CherryBabe! That's the funniest anecdote I've read in a million years!
Darius, the little s--t!
I can't believe you did it!
I think you're class!
What the hell, I know lots of people who've eaten catfood and survived to tell the tale!
Tell the truth now! Did YOU have a bit of the lamb or did you turn vegie for Easter?
I'm laughing my head off!
When the fog has cleared, if you invite me for lunch, I'll make sure I stick to veg and nowt else!

23/4/06 1:53 AM  
Blogger Cherrypie said...

I helped myself to plenty of lamb but only from one end ( I was very careful to note which end it was carved from).

I promise I'll hire professional caterers when you can escape south to the sunshine on the Humber x

23/4/06 11:58 AM  
Blogger Mary said...

Oh I really Laughed Out Loud on that one. It reminds me of a book I used to read to the children called Chato's Kitchen.

23/4/06 2:01 PM  
Blogger DCveR said...

Man that is cruelty! You're probably the one who spoiled the cat in the first place, so now you should provide for its every wish instead of wolfing all the fish in front of the poor creature!
New blog huh? Great. Keep those illustrations coming then.

23/4/06 3:49 PM  
Blogger Hayden said...

I just wish mine was so easy to satisfy.


23/4/06 4:46 PM  
Blogger cream said...

Cherry! I've gone off lamb altogether!)

Mary, I'll have to look that one up!

DC, Guilty as charged! And I will try to post a few more drawings.

Hayden, received my new graphic tablet yesterday morning. The A4 one was too big. So I got the A5.
Have started a little sketch of the Chocolate Princess. We'll see what comes of it.

23/4/06 5:01 PM  
Blogger Christine said...

Oh I really enjoyed this. First your funny story and then Cherry pies.

Cream, you couldn't give him a little tiny morsel, how rude!;) My cat's run when they hear the can opener. Most of the time they're disappointed it's not tuna or salmon, but that doesn't stop them from running the next time.

Now I must have a look see at the new blog. :)

23/4/06 9:43 PM  
Blogger cream said...

Christine, no chance! Henry's gone off catfood because he's spoilt.
Cats are daft aren't they?

24/4/06 12:41 AM  
Blogger ramblingwoman said...

Oh, a very funny blog Cream!

I have to look after my sister's two ancient and cantankerous cats this week. She says one doesn't know how to use the cat flap (!) so i have to go over in the morning and evening to make sure he's back in!

When we had a cat we used to laugh our heads off at it when it was 'embarrassed' ie. just fallen off the kitchen worktop after misjudging a jump. THey just wander off as if nothing's happened and then lick themselves in a 'you didn't see that, right' kind of way.

Well, Cream, I've left a rather long comment there!

25/4/06 11:19 AM  
Blogger cream said...

Hi, Rambler! Welcome to my blog!
I LOVE long comments!
Your anecdote reminds me of that TV programme "You've been framed" and the funniest videos are those where cats do the daftest things! Hilarious!

25/4/06 11:29 AM  

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